This is the concept that formed in my head while I faced one of my greatest fears – to swim in the deep blue sea (with paranoid ideation that some creatures are out there to devour me lol). I couldn’t say it qualifies to be called a phobia since I could manage to “somehow” swim (but of course with some safety gears haha). But the fact that I don’t feel secured swimming in the open ocean with nothing that my feet could step on to makes me feel panicky.
I assessed myself and tried to dig out the subconscious connections of this fear towards my personal life. This is what I have discovered.
The open sea signifies the parts of my life that I couldn’t control – a force stronger than me, something that I recognize as a source of threat over the control I have been putting on to my situations. I have found out that my fear of swimming in the open sea has an unconscious knot to the things that I want to control in my life but something that I couldn’t and will not be able to control in reality such as time and life’s finite facet. (That is why studying and applying concepts of existentialism has helped me a lot to let go of the neurotic control I have placed over my self, till I have felt that I am gradually strangling the life out of me.)
I am a person who always wants to make the most out of the every single second of my life. I don’t like waiting and wasting time on things that I perceive as something that will not benefit my personal growth. I always wanted to control time according to how I want it to be spent.
Looking at the vast ocean and stepping into the water with no certainty of having a solid ground to step on to float when I feel like I am running out of breath makes me anxious and fearful because by then I recognize that I don’t have the control over the sea. I don’t have the choice but to center the control to myself and be part of the sea by trusting my still in lack skills of swimming instead of wanting an unrealistic control over my environment.
I have noticed that when I become conscious of the part that I am swimming in to is already quite deep, fear starts to overwhelm me and I feel the somatic manifestation of anxiety and all of a sudden my body feels heavy in the water. So, what I did was to challenge myself to swim and condition myself to direct the control within myself and to detach fear from the situation that I perceive as out of my control to keep on swimming my way out of the conditioned fear through facing the fear itself.
It was a big step for me to do such a thing even though I think it was not much. But for sure, the fear contained in my mind has been cracked and spilled out because when you face your fear, you open up vacant rooms for strength that was once occupied by fear.
Continue to unlock rooms for strengths. Do not let fear rent in.